well, finally, the lax kicked in. good thing my boss told me i didn't have to go in to work today! to keep the flush going i've had a cup of dry mini wheats (milks too disgusting) and a cup of coffee. todays going to be great. i'm not going to binge, i don't even want to think about food with my stomach being as screwed up as it is right now. i think i'm going to stick to liquid foods only for a couple weeks, they seem to fill me up without many cals and have worked really well for me in the past. last night i stretched for a long time, my muscles have been tightening up too much lately, lots of pain. its the anxiety.. i hide my stress in my shoulders and back... i couldnt sleep last night, stress related, i got some xanax from my mom - she's such a life saver. i was out cold for ten hours. i think she sees that i'm "regressing" from "treatment," shes been following me around the house and calling/texting all too often. oh well. current goal: drop 4-5 lbs by friday. we'll see how this goes.

b- dry cereal 180 cals

l-tba

d-tba

thinpso, etc. later tonight.

stay strong loves!

i went to the doctors this morning. she weighed me. this time was different. i didn't have rolls of quarters in my pockets, i didnt wear two layer of clothes, i didn't wear heavy shoes, i didnt drink a couple liters of water right before it.. i still weighed 143. i cant believe it.

i miss feeling empty, light, fragile. i miss being under 100.

i'm determined. that number is ridiculous.

todays solely water & diet coke. zero calories.

i dont even want to get dressed, i think i might stay in these sweatpants all day. jeans are intimidating.

I had a page here before, it was deleted when I was in recovery. Here I am, home again, a "healthy" weight, and unhappy and alone. I miss the girls and the constant support and knowing I'm not alone. Current weight I'm ashamed to admit is up to 144. I'm glad this isn't new to me, I'm not sure how these girls can live being this big, a size 8 is unexcusable. Back to my old tricks :) thinspo and tips are always welcome! I know I can do this, one more day, one less bite.

still looking for a fasting friend, i swear everyones a fatass in cleveland, especially during the winter.

today:

b-h2o = 0 cal

l- coffee with syrup = 180 cal

s- apple = 35 cal

d- broth = 50 cal

total= 265 cal

outtake= 40 mins cardio crunch training; -200 cal

6 hrs at work;  -300 cal

thats why i love my job.

todays photo love: